Passive Aggression

 "Hi honey" Jill said, as Jack arrived home. "Did you remember to pick up the paint samples from the hardware store?"
"Paint samples? You didn't ask me to pick anything up. You must have dreamed it.
"You remember," she said. "You stood right there, and I asked if you would get them on your way home so we could pick out paint and brighten this place up before winter.
"I'm sorry, I don't remember. But it's not unusual for you to think you asked me to do something and then get mad about it. It can't be my fault every time can it?"
"Well, I know we talked about it. I wish you hadn't forgotten."
Jack rolled his eyes and walked toward the door. "Why do you always have to be right? It seems like once I get home my day gets worse", and in a low mumble he adds, "it'll take more than paint to brighten this up."

Passive aggression is defined as the indirect expression of hostility in the form of stubbornness, sullenness, and veiled negative actions to criticize or thwart the plans of the target person. Characterized by passive resistance to comply with expectations or obligations, it creates a confrontational atmosphere.

In the example, Jack managed to forget to do something expected of him. While Jill is specific about the details, Jack is vague. Rather than take responsibility for forgetting, he adopts the role of victim and blames her for a variety of things: she dreams stuff up, she gets mad, and makes his day worse. He tops it off by walking away mumbling about things needing more than paint.

Elisabeth Robson (2011) says people like Jack are unable to assert themselves or constructively articulate what they want, what they need, or how they feel. Instead, they fail to follow through on obligations, they blame others, and they do or say things to obstruct what the other person wants. Robson says this is done in an innocent, rational manner so that the person on the receiving end doesn't know what the real issue is. As the pattern of subtle negativity continues, it creates a caustic environment of resentment, anger and unhappiness.
What starts this negative behavior? Why can't Jack just say what's on his mind? Johnson, Cohen, Brown, Smailes, and Bernstein (1999) say, "Families in which the honest expression of feelings is forbidden tend to teach children to repress and deny their feelings and to use other channels to express their frustration." When Jack was a child it may not have been safe for him to express frustration or anger, perhaps because the parents forbid it or suffered alcohol or drug addiction, which provides many opportunities to demonstrate denial for son, Jack. The result is that he learns to express his anger indirectly, and passively interferes, instead of coming right out and saying what's on his mind.

In this example, the issue may be that Jack has never been able to explain to Jill that he doesn't want her to involve him in everything she does. Getting the paint samples was just one small example that set him off. He doesn't want to paint. He also doesn't want to upset the apple cart or create a scene, so he passively fights her on the issue. He forgets, or disregards, the request to pick up the samples, he adopts the role of victim, and in a back hand fashion, he blames Jill.

Once a pattern of passive aggressiveness begins, it's difficult to fix. As usual, honest communication tops the list of places to start. Counseling could help Jack get over his fear of letting Jill know that he doesn't want to be automatically included in all her projects. Jill needs help to see that the negativity coming from Jack stems from them slipping into a pattern of behavior fueled by Jack's sense of being controlled and his reluctance to rock the boat.
Passive aggression can take many forms. For example, the passive aggressive person may cross their arms and pout; they may withhold assistance or engineer all kinds of distractions to prevent others from achieving their objective. In any case, if we clearly communicate what's on our mind, none of the forms will flourish, and we'll live well between our ears.